A couple of months ago after I had been suffering from a double ear infection, both internally and externally in the same ear, I developed that awful Vertigo after six weeks. I have battled with this in the past and performed the Epley Maneuver on myself, but this time I needed the Doc to do it. Thankfully, those two strong reassuring women held me in place as I felt as if I would spin out into space while pleading: “Please…Don’t let go!”
I have come to realize that I often have similar feelings in my soul. My Grief often takes me places I never knew existed. My mind will race with heart-wrenching thoughts and memories which refuse to be quieted. Fears will attack, to rob me of any peace. Sorrow will overwhelm robbing me of any Joy. The pain is truly excruciating. At such moments, I need to call upon the Great Physician. Distractions and forms of escape are only temporary. I need reassurance and Hope to cling to if I am going to survive such overwhelming times. When I’m missing my Baby, I find Rivers that run so deep with a velocity that surely will sweep me under without that Rock to cling to. Worse, are the times when I’m fully aware that no strength of my own within can enable me to hold on. That is when I need another to hold on to me. I lose my grip; I need One Who will not lose His.
When the utter helplessness overwhelms and all pride is forsaken, I need to trust that another can sustain me. I need to believe there is Someone greater than myself, Someone stronger and more able. Without that Faith and that Hope, I am left with only me… the crushed, shattered, broken me and that simply does not suffice. I have had to learn to cling, while He holds. I have had to learn to ‘let go of the wheel’ and allow Him to be my ship’s Captain. I have had to learn to let go in order to not fall. Such things often contradict our natural inclination. They are the dichotomies of Grief survival, the oxymoron of Grief. Learning to do the ‘unnatural’ is a difficult and lengthy process. Yet, this is my new life. “Whosoever will come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for My sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it” (Mark 8:34-35). Dying to ‘self’ and trusting God that such will produce Life is a daily struggle, at times. Yet, it is my only Hope on this journey.
In the end, I know somehow, some way, it will have all been worth it. In the end, whatever cost I may have paid will seem minuscule. All my reason of my natural mind fights against it. My logic whispers: ‘I am a fool’. My soul beats against the goads. An internal battle often ensues with rage. But then, when I finally reach that point of ‘letting go and letting God’, that which defies my natural mind’s thinking takes hold. That Peace which surpasses all of my own understanding takes root. In the Christ, truly for me to die is to live. He grabs on when I stumble and am about to fall. Never has He, nor shall He, forsake me. Do I prefer to dictate to my Creator as to when, how, and where He shall? Absolutely. Oh silly me.
(((HUGS))) Jude Gibbs, Author of ‘Gifts from the Ashes’ available at:
Articles on WordPress.com: https://wordpress.com/posts/bereavedparentsblog.wordpress.com.
Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/author/jude-gibbs/
Please help spread the Word. TY! (((HUGS)))