(by Narin Grewal, used with permission…please visit her site for more beautiful ‘memes/graphics’)
When I began on Grief Sites sixteen months ago, I truly believed I was entering a community of broken vessels much like myself. I had no expectations; I did believe all were struggling like myself and had soft broken hearts. What I did not expect is meeting up with some that have hearts harder than stone. One of the very first articles I ever wrote and later published in my book is the one in which I compared King David and Pharaoh. Both had sons that died, in fact, David buried two. The difference in their reaction and behaviour that followed their tragedies is as different as night and day.
King David never became bitter. He cried out to God and grieved with heartfelt cries and pleas, but he never blamed God nor became mean-spirited in response. Pharaoh, on the other hand, became mean and spiteful as he pursued God’s people to kill them all. He wanted vengeance, and his heart was overflowing with hatred. Both men were Dads, both buried children, both chose their reaction and response to their Grief. Truly, as Narin so grandly stated above: “Grief doesn’t change you…it reveals you”.
This is quite different from the many posts we often find that tell grievers they are forever changed by their tragedy. It is of my opinion, that Narin’s statement is much more honest and to the point. It’s not that we have ‘changed’, it is that Grief has brought to the surface things which already existed within. Another Momma told me a few months ago that if a person was a mean person before they buried their child, they may very well still be a mean person afterward. It truly boggled my mind when she told me that. I could not fathom how a person who has lost their greatest treasure could not be changed to a softer and more compassionate person as a result. It is still very difficult for me to comprehend all of this.
When my ex-husband’s second wife died, I felt absolutely nothing. I was very puzzled by this. I have known many in my lifetime that have gone ahead. Even those I have not known, upon hearing of their demise I always felt some degree of sadness. But in this particular case, I felt absolutely nothing one way or another. One day, while I was driving down the road I stopped at a neighbor’s because he was out mowing his lawn. We chatted a bit, then I told him about this woman’s demise and my confusing reaction to it. He told me: “Just because a person died, doesn’t make them a good person”. That hit me like a brick. I just never thought of that. I’m facing a similar dilemma now. Can it be true that if a parent has buried a child, that doesn’t make them a better person?
And now I cry.
If someone has buried their precious and most Beloved, and yet still has a heart of stone?? Well, I’m sorry, but I do not get that… and I’m glad I don’t.
If what Narin has stated is true, and I happen to believe it is, the beautiful become more beautiful…and the ugly become uglier. It’s not that anyone has changed; it’s that what they kept hidden deeply within themselves all along has been revealed. The mask has been ripped off almost violently. The good-hearted ones become better; the bad-hearted ones become bitter. I’m sure that somewhere in the midst of it all, choice is still possible. I have to believe that folks can always choose to become better and more compassionate people because of their great heartache, or they can choose to harden so as to avoid feeling anything for anyone…including themselves. But what a terrible waste if one chooses the latter. Their excruciating pain, their horrific loss, has taught them nothing. They are walking through the valley of the shadow of death with no light in sight. They have no Hope. They themselves are the walking dead.
It truly is my prayer for all who grieve that they choose Love…not hate. That we all allow our deep deep sorrow to soften our hearts. That we become people with great compassion for all who are suffering no matter what the cause may be. Personally, I do not know how much more I can bear in seeing the ‘Grief That Can Be Ugly’. Who desires to stare into the abyss? For one, not I.
(My comments on Narin’s statement are not to be assumed to be her POV).
2 Corinthians 1: (VOICE)
3 All praise goes to God, Father of our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One. He is the Father of compassion, the God of all comfort. 4 He consoles us as we endure the pain and hardship of life so that we may draw from His comfort and share it with others in their own struggles.
(((HUGS))) Jude Gibbs, Author of ‘Gifts from the Ashes’ available at:
Articles on WordPress.com: https://wordpress.com/posts/bereavedparentsblog.wordpress.com.
Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/author/jude-gibbs/
Please help spread the Word. TY! (((HUGS)))