Now What???

Feeling stuck on ‘Why?’ ? Many of us linger on this side road for some time. After all the funeral arrangements are over, after the headstone is picked out, purchased, and set…the emptiness in our our hearts begins to take hold. Some of us have spent years being dragged through court battles that drain us of all the strength we can muster up, but many of us are driven to find justice for our child at any cost to ourselves. When all the demands and responsibilities have ceased, we are left with empty arms. The reality that our child will not be walking through the door one day, he/she won’ be calling, etc., hits…and it hits hard.

Grieving our child’s demise is a very long hard journey. There are so many layers to peel through; there are so many twists and turns we encounter. So many battles with our Faith and unanswered questions present themselves. Try as we may, we can’t seem to find the switch in our mind to simply turn them off. The Truth is, we will have answers to it all one day, but not on this side of the veil. Until we are able to find peace in ‘the waiting’, we will be tormented repeatedly with the questions. 

We never cease to be their Moms and their Dads. We are ‘programmed to do’ for our children. The funeral, grave, flowers, court battles, headstones all extend for a season… Then, suddenly, that’s all done and it’s like standing in the center of an intersection not knowing which direction to head in and asking: ‘Now what?’. That’s when the heavy duty lifting begins in our grief. Think of lifting weights…it’s a tedious and often painful endeavor, but it’s necessary to remain healthy. Though the pain can be inexplicable, we are forced to embrace it. We can try and run from it, ignore it, deny it…but it will track us down and find us when we least expect it.

We really aren’t left with too many options:

1- We can lay down and die which I’ve deliberated many times.

2- We can place ourselves on auto-pilot which I’ve had to do out of complete necessity.

3- We can lift the weights of grief one step at a time.

For eighteen years I have chosen the third whenever possible because I know it’s the healthy choice. It’s not the choice that comes easily, though. Every day I have to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. Every day I have to lift those weights if I’m to be made stronger. Every day I have to choose to believe that somehow, some way, it will all be worth it in the end. Every day I have to decide that life is still worth living. Every day I have to place my trust in the Resurrected One. Every day I have to believe again. Every day I need to be replenished with Hope again.

Yes, grieving is very hard work and I will have to labor daily knowing that one day it will all make sense. That’s what I have to do now.

1 Corinthians 13: (ESV)

12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

Image result for lifting weights photo

(((HUGS)))  Jude Gibbs, Author of ‘Gifts from the Ashes’ available at:    Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’:  Please help spread the Word. TY! (((HUGS)))



2 thoughts on “Now What???

  1. Once again, I agree with every word. In the beginning, the first week or so, I asked God over and over again “why.” At one point, I was pacing in his room asking my list of “why” guestions when I clearly heard a voice outside myself say “Free Will.” Yes, my son made some choices that might have resulted in his death. A year later i can see that there were other people, including myself maybe, who could have done or said something to change the outcome, but we also had free will and he wasn’t the only one God was talking about when I heard those two words. I should admit that I still do slip back into asking why. Like you said, someday we will know the answers to our questions, if we still have questions. I have thought a lot about a reunion with my beloved son and once I have my arms around him, it won’t really matter.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I so agree, JudyAnn. Your comment made me smile…not easy to do after the week I have had. It took me 17 yrs. to understand that once I can hold my son again, all the ‘Why’s’ in the world will not matter. We will know, then all will be forgotten. We will have permanent eternal amnesia 🙂 IS. 65:17 “See, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind.”

      Liked by 1 person

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