I am writing to you because writing is what I now do; it is my way of expressing my deep sorrow, my anguish, my excruciating pain. I have been silent for far too long. I have kept my heartache buried deep within myself. You see, I lost everything… everything… when my son was killed. I lost him, I lost everything about him. I watched as his siblings were forever changed. I watched their beautiful smiles and innocent lives be transformed. I lost all of my dear friends who no longer could ‘hang in there’ with me after I was forever changed. I lost my second husband who saw the woman he had known become a different person a mere five days after we had wed. I lost my financial support because I could no longer ‘produce’ on the same level now that I had this great weight to carry daily on my shoulders. I lost my physical stamina and became ill because this Grief ate me up inside; because lack of sleep consumed my life; because eating became something I had to do but no longer wanted to do.
I lost me!!!
After years of withdrawing into myself, in desperation I joined what is known as ‘social media’. I had tried doctors, medications, other relationships; I tried finding new friends I could gather with and re-enter ‘life’ with and nothing worked…nothing. I threw myself upon the Mercy of God and decided to seek out help from other grieving parents; folks who understood like no one else could… this horrific pain. I was so naive. I truly thought you were just like me; that your heart had been shattered as mine and laid at your feet seeping with sorrow. I was so wrong. Your heart may have been ripped out of you, but yours lays at your feet like a hardened brick. Yours is a heart of stone. You may mentally identify with me; you may ‘walk the walk’ and ‘talk the talk’…but you, my dear April, are as cold as ice. You do not feel my pain. You may relate to it on some level, but you have not walked in my shoes. You are all about ‘rules and regulations’ on your site; You are all about ‘control’ of these shattered vessels. You want everyone to do things your way…or it’s the highway. You lack all compassion. You have lost sight of why you opened your site. It’s not about others; it’s all about you.
You accuse other grieving Mommas of what you yourself are guilty of. Those of us that do not express our grief in the manner in which you do, you attack and condemn. You are merciless and void of compassion.
I finally found my niche, my own personal way of getting this lump of clay out of myself. I am not a ‘chatterer’; I can’t draw pretty pictures. I write…that’s the ‘new me’. It is MY way of sharing with others my pain; it is my way of hopefully helping others identify their pain. Some write, some make memes and graphics, some make frames. Then you criticize my expression and accuse me of ‘promoting my book’ because I continue to write articles and recently learned how to make simple memes. YES, I sign my work. I spend hours digging deep within myself getting in touch with this pain. I am quickly going through a box of tissues even now, as I write this letter to you. I write from my shattered heart. I write in order to pull…yank…out of me the Grief Monster within to cut it up and put it down on paper in front of me in black and white. I examine it; I learn from it; I grow from it. I hope by doing so that in some small way another shattered heart will find a small gem, a nugget, something…anything…that helps them, too, in the process. That by ‘feeling’ this ugly monster, another may feel it, too, and know they are not alone. That by my exposure of this ugly Grief, another may see it, too, …and know they are not losing their mind by feeling what they are feeling.
YES, I will put my name on it when I have completed it. As any artist will sign their painting, as any writer will sign their article, as any frame/meme/graphic maker will do. Why?? Because this is my heart and soul…this is my blood that pulsates throughout my veins, my being…this is MY PAIN!!!… and I will NOT cease to ‘own’ what is mine.
So, if you want to throw your stone which you call your heart at me…if you want to kick me off your site because I have found a different way than you of healing and expressing my grief…if you want to cut me off from other grieving Mommas and have my lifeline of social media cut from me, you certainly have that power to do so. But just know this one thing, you have trampled the heart of another grieving Mom in doing so. May God have Mercy on your envious competitive power-tripping soul.
Oh…and look at that…the photographer who took that photo HAS THEIR NAME ON IT!!
(((HUGS))) Jude Gibbs, Author of ‘Gifts from the Ashes’ available at: Xulon Press, Amazon, Barnes & Noble and DeeperShopping. Additional international retailers: http://www.foyles.co.uk/witem/biography/gifts-from-the-ashes,jude-gibbs-9781498496728 http://www.upliftvstore.com/product.asp?sku=9781498496728 Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/author/jude-gibbs/
Also, see a more complete list at: http://www.directtextbook.com/isbn/9781498496728?geis=y Please help spread the Word. TY! (((HUGS)))