I have an array of emotion which I need to get out so I, perhaps, may be granted some peace today. Yesterday, I was once again attacked by another grieving Mom who was upset that I posted an update on the distributors of my Book. She complained, and as a result I was contacted very graciously by a Moderator. I’m only going to say these things once, and then I will forever hold my silence. I am only at peace in doing so because Paul once felt that he, too, had to speak of such things in 2 Corinthians 11.
I am perplexed by it all. Others post articles by Authors which clearly list books they have written, yet those are not objected to by others. I was up all night…again…and at 5:47AM another Vilomah PM’d me and said to call her, which I did. We spoke, I vented, for 2 1/2 hours. (TY!! my dear friend). I have a lot on my plate and many painful issues that folks know nothing about. I must say I am quite weary of being judged, especially by other grieving Moms with whom I have often not even spoken with…ever. Last night, another gal posted this and I, with sadness, had to admit it was exactly how I was feeling:
I don’t want to feel such regrets; I don’t like feeling such regrets. So, for a moment I will vent and partake in what Paul referred to as his ‘folly’. He saw a need to do so, and I also see that need. I simply do not understand how it is in this world of pain we find ourselves in, that some simply cannot, or refuse to, be happy even a little for another when something good happens in their life. I don’t know ‘who’ folks think I am, but if their opinion is based on gossip and rumors, it is straight out of the pit. If you want to know something about me, all anyone has to do is PM me and ask. My life is an ‘open book’ as anyone who has read my Book can now attest to. Though, there is much more that I haven’t yet revealed about the abuse and grief I have encountered on my journey. I wrote my Book out of an act of obedience to my Lord. It was a big step of Faith for me financially because my income is below the poverty line and I may be having my house foreclosed on next year. I am soon to be 64, am crippled, and alone. I live under the constant threat of a man who put a knife to my throat, told my eldest if he ever had the opportunity again to kill me…he would, and I’ve had to set up ’emergency signals’ with neighbors to immediately call 911 when sounded. So, yes, my profile says ‘he’ and I will not change that for those who demanded it of me and kicked me off their site because I would not. You all have no idea what risks I have taken in even writing my Book. You’ll just have to believe me when I say I have neither desire nor motivation for ‘fame & fortune’ at this phase in my life. My only desire is to go Home peacefully… to my Lord, my son, my 4 babies who never saw the light of day, my Mom, etc. I pray for these things unceasingly. For those who think otherwise, please just go away…leave me alone. I do not need the additional pain of rejection and judgement that you lay on me in your attacks.
For over a year, I have spent numerous nights up all night working on sites, often neglecting to even eat for over a day at a time. I have attempted to break through the lies, warn the vulnerable of the wolves, repair sites that were sabotaged when I am not at all ‘tech savvy’, and have spent months in writing articles, the Book, and commenting because my heart broke for the pain that so many, especially the young ones, were suffering. I profit from none of this monetarily. I cannot tell you the endless tears I have cried for the wounded, the prayers I have prayed. I am mostly bedridden because of the physical pain, and I’m not very good at ‘chatting’. God gave me this release in my writings after bottling things up for nearly 18 years in regards to my son, and decades in regards to the abuse. I became determined to ‘break the silence’, be an advocate for the abused, and hopefully educate the ‘outside world of grief’ on what it’s really like for us who travel this journey.
I will continue to write as long as I feel led to do so. I have no interest in winning any popularity contests. There will come a day when I will simply disappear. I’m not good at saying ‘good-byes’, so I won’t. When that day comes, please know that I have loved you all greatly and most importantly, I cared…and will continue to do so even after I’m gone. But for now, I will write. I will be there whenever possible for those who need a shoulder; and for those who have been a shoulder to me and have extended kindness toward me, I cannot find the words to express the depth of my undying gratitude.
As for those who have ‘issues’ with the fact that I felt a need to write a book, to give God Glory, to publish my son’s poems he left behind…deal with it. I am so wearied by your grumbling and complaints. Some have told me it’s envy, others have simply called it ‘meanness’, and others have called it anger and bitterness that is coming through in their own grief. I don’t wish to know the ‘why’. I just pray it will stop. IT HURTS! I do not feel at home in this world any longer. For the sites on which I do not feel welcomed because of the manner in which I express myself, I once again am consoled by the Word of God:
Matthew 10: (VOICE)
12 When you enter this home, greet the household kindly. 13 And if the home is indeed trustworthy, let your blessing of peace rest upon it; if not, keep your blessing to yourself. 14 If someone is inhospitable to you or refuses to listen to your testimony, leave that house or town and shake the dust from your feet.
I will continue to coast on all the valleys and hills of this grief Journey until the day I am called Home to rest upon the coast of the River Jordan. Until such a time, as the Lord wills it, I will continue on with what He has called me to do…to reach out to the brokenhearted and offer them His Hope, His Peace, His comfort and promises from His Word. I do understand that those who reject what God freely offers them is between them and Him. I do not take such things personally. As for those who reject me personally, I will obey my Lord’s instructions in Mt. 10:12-14…for I, too, desire to be at peace. I won’t address this again. I will simply turn away and shake the dust off my feet.
(((HUGS))) Jude Gibbs, Author of ‘Gifts from the Ashes’ available at: Xulon Press, Amazon, Barnes & Noble and DeeperShopping. Additional international retailers: http://www.foyles.co.uk/witem/biography/gifts-from-the-ashes,jude-gibbs-9781498496728 http://www.upliftvstore.com/product.asp?sku=9781498496728 Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/author/jude-gibbs/
Also, see a more complete list at: http://www.directtextbook.com/isbn/9781498496728?geis=y Please help spread the Word. TY! (((HUGS)))