It doesn’t matter which door I open and close along this journey, another awaits just around the corner. It’s as if I am forever traveling through a maze, never finding my way out. I sometimes fool myself into thinking that if I just find the ‘right’ door, I can somehow lay this all to rest.
The doors are endless.
Folks think that if I can just get over missing my son, I will ‘move on’. Grief is so much more complicated than that. There are layers upon layers, doors upon doors…and often, I go in circles revisiting one I thought I had closed.
I grieve his smiles.
His acts of kindness.
His little surprise gifts.
His unexpected visits.
His phone calls.
His guitar playing.
His way of making his sister laugh.
His late night ‘talks’.
His willingness to help others.
His big bear hugs.
His understanding of things.
His beautiful mind.
Doors, upon doors, upon doors which all lead to seemingly endless pathways.
I sometimes wonder what he would look like today. Would he be married? Would he have children? Would he be teaching somewhere on the mission field as he so desired to do?
Every doorway I enter, there is more grief. I stay and visit some… longer than others. No door is ever locked and boarded up. A welcome sign appears on each. Which door I open is by my choosing. There are some I won’t enter, however. Some lead to places I no longer wish to go. Some doors are too heavy to open. I avoid the passageway to such.
There is only one door that is shut to me. It leads to the passage my son has now traveled. He has gone before me to lead the way. I know that when that door is finally opened to me, he will be there waiting. He will open that door at God’s bidding and I can see his glorious grin…I can hear him saying: “Hey, you made it! Welcome, let me show you around.” I will find that door one day and all the others shall fade away. It will be the door that exits me from this maze… never to return. It will be the last and final doorway I will pass through.
– For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8:8
(((HUGS))) Jude Gibbs, Author of ‘Gifts from the Ashes’ available at: Xulon Press, Amazon, Barnes & Noble and DeeperShopping. Additional international retailers: http://www.foyles.co.uk/witem/biography/gifts-from-the-ashes,jude-gibbs-9781498496728 http://www.upliftvstore.com/product.asp?sku=9781498496728 Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/author/jude-gibbs/
Please help spread the Word. TY! (((HUGS)))