A few years ago I had to undergo some surgery. They knocked me out cold for it and when I awoke in the recovery room, something occurred that for me was an incredible moment…I felt no pain. I didn’t believe this was happening. I was very skeptical. I began to ‘check’ myself mentally as I quite slowly ‘examined’ in my mind every part of my body. I was afraid to move. Surely, there was pain somewhere.
I found none.
Eventually, my daughter was brought back to the room in which I sat and she immediately panicked. She asked: “Mom…are you OK?? What’s wrong??” I was sitting there with tears rolling down my face and it frightened her. I quietly, still disbelieving, whispered: “I feel no pain”. I didn’t want to ‘speak’ it; I might awaken from this dream. I was stunned, almost as if in a moment of shock, afraid to move any part of my body…afraid this moment would vanish. I wanted to relish it for as long as I could. I wanted to savor every second. I realized that I had completely forgotten what it felt like to not feel pain. I lived with it daily for at least fifteen years and had somehow become accustomed to it. The awareness startled me. The reality that there had once been a time I was physically pain-free boggled my mind. I had completely forgotten what that had felt like…completely.
For a brief time, it felt as if I had died and gone to Heaven. I became so very aware of how much we take for granted in this life…to be able to see, hear, walk, swim, talk, do dishes, sweep the floor, etc., etc. ..and to do such things ‘Pain-Free’??? OMG! How much time I had wasted in not being thankful for such things.
As soon as my daughter managed to get me back home, I sat and talked with her and my eldest about this amazing experience. I then placed an emergency call to one of my doctors. I had to tell her how I was feeling no pain. She, my Doc, was thrilled for me and said we would find out what medication they had given me. She also referred me to a ‘pain specialist’. Well, as it turned out, the meds that had worked..the very 1st that had in all of these years… could not be prescribed on a regular basis. They are only administered when someone is dying because they eventually shut down other organs. I was understandably disappointed and saddened by that news. What brief time I had with an element of Hope came dashing to the ground. The Hope of living pain free again in this lifetime, the mere possibility that I could once again feel ‘normal’, having the ability to do the simplest things as getting in and out of a car without having to be conscious of every movement was an Utopia within grasp…and then it was gone. I have been told by doctors that it is amazing that I am still walking. I know my situation could potentially be far worse. Many have it far worse.
That one moment in time made me realize that in this lifetime I may never know again what it feels like to be pain free. Yet, it also made me realize how much I do have to be grateful for with my condition.
You never know how truly blessed you are in life until you see someone who has it worse than You.
My son often would say to me: “Mom…Attitude of Gratitude”. He lived that motto. When he moved a few hours away to be with his gal and enroll in college, I would go and visit him. When he first got his own apartment, I took him to the store and bought him such simple things: a toaster, kitchen utensils, an alarm clock, etc. He was speechless. His heart overflowed with gratitude. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t bought him things before and these things were so simple, so inconsequential and inexpensive. Yet, he overflowed with gratitude. BIG HUG time. He rarely ever asked for anything, even as a small child. He never expected anything. He was always so grateful for the simplest things. On the other hand, he couldn’t hold onto a penny. His paternal grandparents cut him off because when they gave him money at Christmas in a fund, he would spend it. They were the type of people that gave someone something with strings attached… But I digress. My son could never say: ‘No’ to someone who needed something. He didn’t spend the money he was given on himself. He wore hand-me-down clothes and drove an old beater of a car. But if his friend needed a new guitar, no questions asked…my son bought it. If they simply needed a few bucks, into my son’s pocket he went with a smile.
I miss that boy.
Eighteen years and he’s still teaching me. I didn’t listen to him very well when he was alive, but I do now. I listen to not only what he said, but how he lived…who he was. I often whisper into the night: “I’m still trying, baby, to get it right”.
I won’t ever be ‘Pain Free’ in this lifetime. Even if God granted to me a physical miracle, my heart would still ache for my son. I have but one Hope, and that is in God’s Promises. I’m not ‘preaching’. I’m simply sharing with you all what I know to be true.
Romans 5: (VOICE)
5 And hope will never fail to satisfy our deepest need because the Holy Spirit that was given to us has flooded our hearts with God’s love.
“Then you will know that I am the Lord,
For they shall not be ashamed who wait for Me.” (IS. 49:23b)
(((HUGS))) Jude Gibbs, Author of ‘Gifts from the Ashes’ available at: Xulon Press, Amazon, Barnes & Noble and DeeperShopping. Additional international retailers: http://www.foyles.co.uk/witem/biography/gifts-from-the-ashes,jude-gibbs-9781498496728 http://www.upliftvstore.com/product.asp?sku=9781498496728 Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/author/jude-gibbs/
Please help spread the Word. TY! (((HUGS)))