Drained by Pain

I have been so very overwhelmed, of late, by my own personal pain and the pain of my family. I have not even been able to write.

Lieutenant Briggs: Uphold the law. You just killed three police officers, Harry. And the only reason why I’m not gonna kill you, is because I’m gonna prosecute you- with your own system. It’ll be my word against yours. Who’s gonna believe you? You’re a killer, Harry. A maniac. [Briggs starts to drive away when the car blows up]

Harry Callahan: A man’s GOT to know his limitations. (Movie: Magnum Force-Clint Eastwood)

I need to know my limitations.

Being a survivor of a multitude amount and types of abuse, in addition to the loss of 5 children (4 pregnancy losses and my 20 year old) results in a lack of healthy boundaries. Folks who have not been victims in their life naturally develop good boundaries, for the most part. When one’s boundaries have been repeatedly violated (beginning at age four in my case), they never had that opportunity. Folks like me, who have been so unfortunate to have had such experiences, have to work at having boundaries. We first have to even educate ourselves on what boundaries are, before we can begin the work of establishing them. Learning how to say: ‘NO’ when we have been ‘taught’ by our experiences that saying: ‘NO’ can result in threats, more abuse, abandonment, neglect, etc. makes this a very daunting task.

VERY!

Such things, combined with the horrendous grief of the loss of a child, feels… and is… nearly impossible. We have no strength left within ourselves. All our energy is drained. We often can’t function…nor do we desire to do so. Despair moves in like an unwelcome relative who simply refuses to leave. Then, when someone comes along and calls us ‘selfish’, or tells us: ‘Stop being a victim!’, we find our only response is to stare at them in total confusion and bewilderment.

DO YOU TRULY BELIEVE I’VE CHOSEN ANY OF THIS IN MY LIFE??????

I don’t choose to ‘dwell’ on it. I’m not ‘living in the past’ as I have frequently been accused of doing. It is an absolute necessity to understand the foundation of my past in order to move forward to build anything in the future. In addition, once that ‘future’ is established, you can’t then rip out the foundation without all that you have built upon it not come tumbling down. In other words, for those who hate double negatives or Algebra in which a double negative equals a positive: If you rip out the foundation, it all will come tumbling down. One first has to ‘repair’ the foundation. You can’t discard it, destroy it, or run away from it and build elsewhere. Not when it’s part of who you are. To do so would be choosing to live in denial and a fantasy world. It would be living a lie. It’s Truth that sets one free…God’s Truth.

I have to replenish the warehouse. I need to lean into God with Whom all things are possible. I need to trust that when I am weak, He is strong in me and through me, in spite of me. He truly is my only help, my only hope. All else has failed. All else is temporary. All else is impotent. All else is a diversion. All else is fruitless. All else is hopeless. All else is a dead end road.

Matthew 19:26The Message (MSG)

²⁶ Jesus looked hard at them and said, “No chance at all if you think you can pull it off yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it.”

(((HUGS)))  Jude Gibbs, Author of ‘Gifts from the Ashes’ available at: Xulon Press, Amazon, Barnes & Noble and DeeperShopping. Additional international retailers: http://www.foyles.co.uk/witem/biography/gifts-from-the-ashes,jude-gibbs-9781498496728

http://www.upliftvstore.com/product.asp?sku=9781498496728

Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/author/jude-gibbs/

https://themighty.com/2017/03/the-pain-of-holidays-after-the-loss-of-loved-ones/ ;  https://themighty.com/2017/04/what-grief-can-be-like-bereaved-parent/

Please help spread the Word. TY! (((HUGS)))