Drained by Pain

I have been so very overwhelmed, of late, by my own personal pain and the pain of my family. I have not even been able to write.

Lieutenant Briggs: Uphold the law. You just killed three police officers, Harry. And the only reason why I’m not gonna kill you, is because I’m gonna prosecute you- with your own system. It’ll be my word against yours. Who’s gonna believe you? You’re a killer, Harry. A maniac. [Briggs starts to drive away when the car blows up]

Harry Callahan: A man’s GOT to know his limitations. (Movie: Magnum Force-Clint Eastwood)

I need to know my limitations.

Being a survivor of a multitude amount and types of abuse, in addition to the loss of 5 children (4 pregnancy losses and my 20 year old) results in a lack of healthy boundaries. Folks who have not been victims in their life naturally develop good boundaries, for the most part. When one’s boundaries have been repeatedly violated (beginning at age four in my case), they never had that opportunity. Folks like me, who have been so unfortunate to have had such experiences, have to work at having boundaries. We first have to even educate ourselves on what boundaries are, before we can begin the work of establishing them. Learning how to say: ‘NO’ when we have been ‘taught’ by our experiences that saying: ‘NO’ can result in threats, more abuse, abandonment, neglect, etc. makes this a very daunting task.

VERY!

Such things, combined with the horrendous grief of the loss of a child, feels… and is… nearly impossible. We have no strength left within ourselves. All our energy is drained. We often can’t function…nor do we desire to do so. Despair moves in like an unwelcome relative who simply refuses to leave. Then, when someone comes along and calls us ‘selfish’, or tells us: ‘Stop being a victim!’, we find our only response is to stare at them in total confusion and bewilderment.

DO YOU TRULY BELIEVE I’VE CHOSEN ANY OF THIS IN MY LIFE??????

I don’t choose to ‘dwell’ on it. I’m not ‘living in the past’ as I have frequently been accused of doing. It is an absolute necessity to understand the foundation of my past in order to move forward to build anything in the future. In addition, once that ‘future’ is established, you can’t then rip out the foundation without all that you have built upon it not come tumbling down. In other words, for those who hate double negatives or Algebra in which a double negative equals a positive: If you rip out the foundation, it all will come tumbling down. One first has to ‘repair’ the foundation. You can’t discard it, destroy it, or run away from it and build elsewhere. Not when it’s part of who you are. To do so would be choosing to live in denial and a fantasy world. It would be living a lie. It’s Truth that sets one free…God’s Truth.

I have to replenish the warehouse. I need to lean into God with Whom all things are possible. I need to trust that when I am weak, He is strong in me and through me, in spite of me. He truly is my only help, my only hope. All else has failed. All else is temporary. All else is impotent. All else is a diversion. All else is fruitless. All else is hopeless. All else is a dead end road.

Image result for dead end road photo

Matthew 19:26The Message (MSG)

26 Jesus looked hard at them and said, “No chance at all if you think you can pull it off yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it.”

(((HUGS)))  Jude Gibbs, Author of ‘Gifts from the Ashes’ available at: Xulon PressAmazon, Barnes & Noble and DeeperShopping. Additional international retailers: http://www.foyles.co.uk/witem/biography/gifts-from-the-ashes,jude-gibbs-9781498496728

http://www.upliftvstore.com/product.asp?sku=9781498496728

Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/author/jude-gibbs/

https://themighty.com/2017/03/the-pain-of-holidays-after-the-loss-of-loved-ones/https://themighty.com/2017/04/what-grief-can-be-like-bereaved-parent/

Please help spread the Word. TY! (((HUGS)))

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11 thoughts on “Drained by Pain

  1. I’m so very sorry for the things you have suffered through! However, I very much appreciate how you reach out to other wounded souls sharing truth and wisdom.

    “For in much wisdom is much grief: and He that increaseth knowledge, increaseth sorrow.” (Ecclesiastes 1:18) You certainly didn’t waste your sorrow on bitterness and anger. Instead you allowed the Lord to fashion it into wisdom. That is a triumphant victory! God bless you and the beauty that has been revealed by your brokenness.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Love you dear sister! TY!! When I 1st found a good grief counselor for myself and my daughter about 6 mos. after my son passed on, she shared a small booklet with me which I still keep at hand. In it, was a Scripture passage that ‘jumped out’ at me. I ended up using those same verses in the back of my book and on the back cover: Ecclesiastes 7:2-4
    “It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart. Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.”

    Especially: “The heart of the wise is in the House of Mourning” struck me as a neon light. I grabbed hold of it, clung to it, and said to the Lord: “Alright…I’m holding You to it”. It was one of my 1st ‘Gifts from the Ashes’.

    God is always faithful to His Word, for He cannot deny Himself. Jesus, Himself, is the epitome of Truth & Wisdom. When we embrace Him with our entire being, we embrace Wisdom.

    (((HUGS)))

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The most important thing a person can receive after one of their children die is “support”. Yes, the pain is lifelong, but the getting through the battle is made 100 times worse when there isn’t the right kind of support. It’s like being thrown to the dogs over and over. I’ve come to learn that some people are hurters and others take that hurt mostly likely because they are kinder.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So very true, Kathleen. The ‘wrong’ support reminds me of the old cliche: ‘Kick them when they’re down’. Such tragedies have a way of bringing to light who our ‘real’ friends are. I like to think that most that add to our grief, do so unknowingly. Losing a child is simply impossible for those who have not to understand…The depth…the magnitude…of the excruciating pain is unimaginable. What can be even worse is when the additional hurt comes from other grieving moms. I have been bewildered by such things. I was naive enough to think that others who have walked this journey would naturally be kinder. But, I found that to not always be the case. Another grieving Momma recently shared with me that if a person was a mean person before they lost a child, they can still be a mean person afterward. Such a thing boggles my mind and brings me great sadness. I once wrote an article which is in my book about the difference between King David & Pharaoh, both who were bereaved dads. It was one of the 1st articles I wrote. Perhaps, it’s time for a re-post. (((HUGS)))

      Liked by 2 people

    1. I did post it. It’s titled ‘King David vs. Pharaoh’ and in it I paraphrased your comment for the reason for the re-post. I encourage you and all to ‘write’. In some odd way, I feel a responsibility to ‘educate’ the non-grieving community and disperse some misconceptions that permeate our society filled with taboos. I have a specific burden for those who have loved ones who died by suicide. Though my son was killed, I have had a relative and some good friends that chose this route. Though I would never recommend it, still there are some firm beliefs that such an act definitively seals their eternal fate in hell. A terrible tormenting misconception. (((HUGS)))

      Liked by 2 people

    2. Hola! I&#v217;8e been following your blog for a while now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Humble Tx! Just wanted to mention keep up the fantastic job!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I simply want to say I am just very new to blogging and ceatirnly loved your website. Likely I’m likely to bookmark your site . You certainly have great writings. Kudos for sharing your web page.

    Liked by 1 person

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