Our relationship with God is very personal. Having to bury a child rocks any Faith we may have had to its very core. The foundation of our beliefs is shaken and many of us aren’t sure if the entire structure we have built in our lives will continue to stand, or completely come tumbling down like a house of cards. It often seems that everything we have ever believed in was a lie.
Some of it may have been.
In my 30’s I had an adopted son with special needs. It was determined by the professionals that he needed to be placed in a special treatment center. I demanded the best place in the area. After 1 year of this placement, weekly counseling, weekend home visits, etc., it was concluded that he could be released to come back home. Two weeks before he was to do so, he was raped by one of the workers at this center.
Within a two year period, I was faced with his rape, my B-I-L who blew his head off at 19 yrs. old, and the revelation of a decade of infidelities by my then husband. Without a doubt, my Faith had been shaken to the very core. In desperation, I sought out as many sources of assistance in search of answers that I could find. I began going to 8 meetings a week, twice on Sunday, from a variety of resource support groups. I had been a ‘good Christian girl’. How could any of these things possibly be happening?? I read my Bible every day, had a close sister in the Lord that I prayed with daily, attended church, Bible studies, etc., etc.. Yet, in a matter of two years, I was overwhelmed with these 3 tragedies.
After months of all of these meetings, reexamining everything I believed in, questioning, analyzing, seeking counseling, etc., nothing really sufficed. I had become so preoccupied living in an ongoing state of grief fog that one day, while driving on the freeway at 70 mph with 3 little boys in my backseat, I suddenly realized that I had traveled from point ‘A’ to point ‘B’ and had no recall of how I had done so. This is when I hit bottom. I knew I needed serious help because now I could have endangered my 3 little ones.
It was after one of the Sunday morning support group meetings that while driving home, again on the freeway, it was as if God had taken the wheel. I looked up and I could see the clouds parting. Then in my heart I heard God speak to me: “I didn’t cause these things, but I will get you thru them’. Suddenly I was back behind the wheel again driving.
Yes, my Faith had a total ‘do-over’. It was then that I realized that although God is sovereign, He has also blessed us with freewill. It is a gift. However, not everyone uses their gift of freewill wisely. I had thought that because I was doing all the ‘right things’, that bad things like this would not happen to me. I had been basing my Faith on me…not on the Grace of God.
8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.
When my son died, I didn’t question God. There were a few times on this journey that I have started to, but then realized that was not for me to do. I had done that years before when my house of cards tumbled down and I didn’t need to go there again. I did have years, however, in which I couldn’t trust God to hear my prayers. After all, I had prayed for my children and their safety every day. Yet, my son was killed. I still believed, got angry at times, etc., but my Faith was no longer in question. Now, it was Trust.
Then I found a little piece of paper among my son’s things on which he had written that his desire was to abide in the House of the Lord forever (from Ps. 27 & Ps. 23). Then the anger kicked in. So, You answer his prayers and not mine???? Sounds a bit silly to me now, but it was very real at the time.
Then, thru much prayer, I got an answer. God showed me he had answered both of our prayers. My son’s ..to be with the Lord in His House forever, and mine…because now he is safe forever.
Yes, God’s Wisdom and His thoughts are far beyond and above mine.
It will be 18 yrs. in just over 2 mos. It’s been a long and very hard journey filled with pitfalls and potholes and detours. The closer I get to being reunited with my son, the deeper the longing becomes and often a more painful ‘missing’ as if I’ve come full circle.
I’m gonna make it. But not because I have done anything to accomplish it.
6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:
I’m gonna make it because of what Jesus, my Christ, has done.
To Him be ALL the Glory forever and ever. Amen.
Excerpt from: ‘Gifts from the Ashes’…available at:
Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/2017/03/the-pain-of-holidays-after-the-loss-of-loved-ones/
Please spread the word…TY!!! (((HUGS)))