Terrified of Losing Another

My eldest suffers from extreme sensitivities to numerous things. He also was told at the hospital that he suffers from low oxygen levels, as low as 80. If someone’s oxygen levels drop below 90 for more than five minutes, they are a likely candidate for oxygen therapy. I have been on oxygen at night for nearly 2 years now because my oxygen levels were recorded at 85 for about 49 minutes when I slept. although I complained to doctors for twenty years that I would wake up not breathing at night, kicking into a flight reaction as I gasped for air, they kept telling me it was either sleep apnea or stress. I finally gave up and resigned myself to the fact that one night I would simply stop breathing, and that would be the end of it. Finally, a doctor ran a simple test as I slept and discovered the problem.

My eldest has had a number of blackouts. He could simply be walking to the bathroom and then suddenly collapse placing him in danger of hitting his head, etc.. He has been out walking in the park in the woods alone and has suddenly collapsed. The allergist determined after running tests that he is allergic to everything except cats and dogs. He has to maintain a strict diet as a result. The last time he ate at a restaurant, they apparently used utensils or cooked his food on the same tray that some shellfish had been exposed to which almost killed him because it causes his throat to close up and he begins to suffocate. As a result, he can never risk eating at a restaurant or even another’s home. He carefully has to cook all his own meals so he knows exactly what is going into them and what utensils and pans are being used.

He can’t be exposed to any chemicals. This is a man that use to change his own engines and transmissions in his car. Now, if he has to even do his brakes, he has to mentally prepare himself for the job because he knows he will be ill for approximately three weeks afterward, but doesn’t have the funds to pay another to do the job. It’s not an easy life to be living.

I get very frightened when I can’t reach him by phone. I’ve been trying to get that across to him but he is usually annoyed by it. Today, he said to me that nothing has happened to him so far, but that he’s at peace if God takes him Home. Then he told me that I have to ‘trust God’. I flipped. I screamed at him: “I trusted God for Roddy and he’s dead!!!!!”

Roddy is his bro that was two years younger than him and was killed at age 20 in 1999.

It’s been 18 years and I am still crippled by this fear. I do trust God no matter what happens. But I now know that anything can happen even when we trust God.

And I don’t know what to do about it.

I’m only writing about this because that’s what I do now…I write. I share what I have learned in Hope that it may help another. I write because it is therapeutic for me to do so, personally. I guess it’s my way of ‘journaling’. A few read what I post, but most do not. Sometimes, I internalize rejection because of it and want to shut it all down. Then, just one person responds and says how much she needed to hear whatever it was that I wrote on any given day and so I continue because I then see ‘purpose’. This article I highly doubt will help anyone. I hope my fears don’t discourage anyone either.

I just have to write for the sake of my own sanity.

I’m scared to death that I will have to bury another one. I’ve met other moms who have done so and their stories frighten me. I cannot imagine going through this hell twice. I don’t care anymore that people don’t like what I post. I tell it as it is and yes I share God’s Word because He has kept my heart beating through it all. But I can’t find an answer for this. Job lost ten children, seven sons and three daughters. King David lost two sons. Job and David were very righteous men who Loved, feared, and trusted God. Yet, their children died. It’s not a matter of being good or bad; it’s not God punishing us when our children die. Our children die by accidents, by murder, by suicide, by illness. Death does not discriminate. I know God hates death. He calls it the ‘last enemy’:

1 Corinthians 15:

26 The last enemy to be destroyed is death.

Yet, I am Terrified of Losing Another.

(((HUGS)))  Jude Gibbs, Author of ‘Gifts from the Ashes’ available at: Xulon PressAmazon, Barnes & Noble and DeeperShoppingAlso, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/2017/03/the-pain-of-holidays-after-the-loss-of-loved-ones/

Book released 2/15/17. Please help spread the word. TY!!


4 thoughts on “Terrified of Losing Another

  1. Thank you Jude but I’m not sure I’ll ever understand Him ☝

    As you know, my great grandmother ground into my head when anything bad happened, “That’s God punishing you!”

    This brainwashing haunts me and creates questioning of every thing. The main thing it’s done is keep me here when at times I really don’t want to be. Because of that ☝, I won’t take matters into my own hands because I fear that punishment will keep me from reuniting with my son.

    After alllllll the connections I’ve had with his Spirit since he was murdered almost 14 years ago, it’s PROVEN to me that life DOES go on after this awful place called earth.

    My son couldn’t have communicated with me in all the miraculous ways he has if this weren’t true. I see religion getting in the way of facts, communications we SEE, HEAR, AND even FEEL from beyond the veil. These are the things I trust.

    Your son Roddy has come through to you recently with a message. Please heed that message mama! They see the grand plan now, but we’re unable to yet so we’ve got to pay attention to their guidance.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, ‘religion’ of man often does get in the way of our ‘relationship’ with God. I sometimes think that is why Jesus lambasted the religious leaders of His day more than anyone else, it seems…repeatedly calling them Hypocrites, Vipers, and Snakes. One day, we will see it all clearly and understand all of it. ‘Til then, we walk by Faith. (((HUGS)))

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I also worry about losing another child; I think those of us who’ve lost one know that no one is safe. Your poor son, that has to be so very difficult. I hope he finds a doctor who has some answers to help him. As far as your journaling, I’ve felt a connection to all of your posts, and I believe everyone needs to find a way to deal with grief especially child loss. I too express myself through journaling. In fact within hours of losing my son I wrote a story about a woman “as” she was losing her child because I knew in my heart that no one would understand the complete and utter devastation. Also, I learned quickly that I needed to keep my mind busy. I’m sure you understand that. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I, too, wrote at the onset…but have no idea where that all got placed…probably packed away in a box somewhere. Thank you for your kind words, Kathleen. I would love to see some of what you’ve written if you feel comfortable in sharing any of it. (((HUGS)))

    Liked by 1 person

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