My eldest suffers from extreme sensitivities to numerous things. He also was told at the hospital that he suffers from low oxygen levels, as low as 80. If someone’s oxygen levels drop below 90 for more than five minutes, they are a likely candidate for oxygen therapy. I have been on oxygen at night for nearly 2 years now because my oxygen levels were recorded at 85 for about 49 minutes when I slept. although I complained to doctors for twenty years that I would wake up not breathing at night, kicking into a flight reaction as I gasped for air, they kept telling me it was either sleep apnea or stress. I finally gave up and resigned myself to the fact that one night I would simply stop breathing, and that would be the end of it. Finally, a doctor ran a simple test as I slept and discovered the problem.
My eldest has had a number of blackouts. He could simply be walking to the bathroom and then suddenly collapse placing him in danger of hitting his head, etc.. He has been out walking in the park in the woods alone and has suddenly collapsed. The allergist determined after running tests that he is allergic to everything except cats and dogs. He has to maintain a strict diet as a result. The last time he ate at a restaurant, they apparently used utensils or cooked his food on the same tray that some shellfish had been exposed to which almost killed him because it causes his throat to close up and he begins to suffocate. As a result, he can never risk eating at a restaurant or even another’s home. He carefully has to cook all his own meals so he knows exactly what is going into them and what utensils and pans are being used.
He can’t be exposed to any chemicals. This is a man that use to change his own engines and transmissions in his car. Now, if he has to even do his brakes, he has to mentally prepare himself for the job because he knows he will be ill for approximately three weeks afterward, but doesn’t have the funds to pay another to do the job. It’s not an easy life to be living.
I get very frightened when I can’t reach him by phone. I’ve been trying to get that across to him but he is usually annoyed by it. Today, he said to me that nothing has happened to him so far, but that he’s at peace if God takes him Home. Then he told me that I have to ‘trust God’. I flipped. I screamed at him: “I trusted God for Roddy and he’s dead!!!!!”
Roddy is his bro that was two years younger than him and was killed at age 20 in 1999.
It’s been 18 years and I am still crippled by this fear. I do trust God no matter what happens. But I now know that anything can happen even when we trust God.
And I don’t know what to do about it.
I’m only writing about this because that’s what I do now…I write. I share what I have learned in Hope that it may help another. I write because it is therapeutic for me to do so, personally. I guess it’s my way of ‘journaling’. A few read what I post, but most do not. Sometimes, I internalize rejection because of it and want to shut it all down. Then, just one person responds and says how much she needed to hear whatever it was that I wrote on any given day and so I continue because I then see ‘purpose’. This article I highly doubt will help anyone. I hope my fears don’t discourage anyone either.
I just have to write for the sake of my own sanity.
I’m scared to death that I will have to bury another one. I’ve met other moms who have done so and their stories frighten me. I cannot imagine going through this hell twice. I don’t care anymore that people don’t like what I post. I tell it as it is and yes I share God’s Word because He has kept my heart beating through it all. But I can’t find an answer for this. Job lost ten children, seven sons and three daughters. King David lost two sons. Job and David were very righteous men who Loved, feared, and trusted God. Yet, their children died. It’s not a matter of being good or bad; it’s not God punishing us when our children die. Our children die by accidents, by murder, by suicide, by illness. Death does not discriminate. I know God hates death. He calls it the ‘last enemy’:
1 Corinthians 15:
26 The last enemy to be destroyed is death.
Yet, I am Terrified of Losing Another.
(((HUGS))) Jude Gibbs, Author of ‘Gifts from the Ashes’ available at: Xulon Press, Amazon, Barnes & Noble and DeeperShopping. Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/2017/03/the-pain-of-holidays-after-the-loss-of-loved-ones/
Book released 2/15/17. Please help spread the word. TY!!