I had been wondering if I was to write again at this time. I often get discouraged; I often want to simply lay down and ‘commend my Spirit’ into His Hands.
The past five months I have been quite ill. It’s not like me to just quit. I have often been referred to as ‘feisty’ throughout my life. But I’m old now and I’m weary. I want to see my son again; I want to see my sister; I want to see my mom who died on Easter morning. I’m weary of all of the pain I have had in my brief journey here, pain on every level. It does takes its toll on a person.
I had a dream on Thursday morning. My son has not appeared in one of my dreams for some time. In every dream in which he has appeared, all except the one in which he warned me of 9-11 one month before it occurred, he has appeared glowing with light and health and Joy. This is only the 2nd dream in which this was not the case. There was a person standing near me and I was suffering from my current illness in which I sometimes fall because my equilibrium affected by calcium crystals in my inner ear is off balance. These deposits are in both ears currently. In this dream, when I fell, the person standing by me offered me no assistance. My son was there watching all of this and looked sad. I somehow managed to rise to my feet again and I lightly patted my son on the top of his head. I then wanted to console my son’s sadness so I said to him: ‘I will see you soon’. I thought that would make him happy, but instead he then looked at me with more sadness. My son has never spoken in any of the dreams in which he has appeared over these eighteen years. Rather, he speaks to me ‘with his eyes’ as he often did when he was physically here. As I looked at him wondering why he still looked sadly after I had said those words to him, he ‘relayed’ to me that if I were to go Home now, it would be before my time…and that is why he appeared sad.
I’ve been thinking about this for the past two days. God has often used my son to speak to me in dreams, perhaps because I sit up and take notice when He does. Today, the 1st article I read was by a gal named Christi Brown. I have only seen a few of the things she has written, but every one of them has spoken to me on some level. She described the ‘Saturday’ between the Crucifixion of our Lord and Easter Sunday’s time of celebration of the Resurrection as this period of time which exists between the death of our child and when we will once again be reunited with them. I like her analogy. This time of ‘waiting’ often feels like a ‘Forever Saturday’.
I want it to end.
I want it to be over.
However, it has to be in God’s timing, not mine.
13 But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.
This ‘Saturday’ is not ‘Forever’; Eternity is Forever. We truly are just passing through. Jesus said that His Kingdom is ‘not of this world’ (John 18:36). He is my King and I belong to His Kingdom. He also says we are His ‘Ambassadors’ (2 Cor. 5:20). We have a job to do as His representatives while we are commissioned to be here. Whatever mission He has set before us while here, we must do until the day He calls us Home. Do I want to run and buy my ticket and board that plane ASAP? Absolutely! But I need to wait on Him to make that call. In this interim, I must do whatever He has set before me to do. I am not required to like it; I am called to be obedient and faithful. It is an Honour to serve my King.
My son is already there. He completed his purpose here. One day, I shall, as well. I will stay focused on my Eternal Home, yet be busy with His business until the trumpet blows that has my name on it. So, as the man at the end of the movie: The Gladiator stated: “I will see you again. But not yet. Not yet.”
(((HUGS))) Jude Gibbs, Author of ‘Gifts from the Ashes’ available at: Xulon Press, Amazon, Barnes & Noble and DeeperShopping. Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/2017/03/the-pain-of-holidays-after-the-loss-of-loved-ones/