It was approximately 34 yrs. ago when I was in the midst of a living hell.
Three major events occurred over a 2 yr. period that resulted in me questioning God, my Faith, the very Foundation of my life and who I was.
They know not, neither will they understand; they walk on in darkness: all the foundations of the earth are out of course.
Definitely, I felt this.
To this day, I cannot place the chronological order of these events, for they were all overwhelming. But their impact, I have never forgotten. The 3 events are as follow:
1- My adopted son was raped.
2- My B-I-L died by suicide. We had been extremely close though he was 10 yrs. younger than myself. He and his sister referred to themselves as my ‘backseat babies’ because before I had children of my own, I took the 2 of them everywhere.
3- “True Confessions”. This is what I coined a 6 mo. period in which my ‘then’ husband confessed the numerous affairs he had been involved in. Yes, it took 6 mos….there were that many.
PTSD was just beginning to be ‘discovered’ in those days.
I was a mess, to say it mildly. I was frightened to the point that I developed Agoraphobia. I was a ‘good Christian girl’. I prayed daily, studied the Scriptures daily with a very close sister in the Lord, I was being a diligent stay-at-home mom of then 4 little boys. How could God let this happen? What was I doing wrong? What more could I be doing right? Had I been wrong all these years to believe in God…to trust Him? Did He even exist?
In my desperation, I immersed myself in Support Groups. I went to 8 a week (twice on Sunday) seeking out some answers. Some were Christian based, some were not. I prayed to God to please let me die.
It was a Sunday afternoon as I was leaving one of those meetings and heading home that things changed suddenly. I can only say that God must have taken the wheel. I was on the freeway driving at high speed when I ‘looked up’. Just at that moment, it was as if the sky itself opened up. The clouds all rapidly separated and I heard that ‘still small voice’ say: “I didn’t do this, but I am here for you to get you through it”. Then all returned to ‘normal’ and I was back behind the wheel.
That is when I discovered that I had been basing my Faith and my ‘standing with God’ on my own works. I had believed all those previous years that if I was a ‘good girl’, bad things would not happen to me.
When my son was taken Home nearly 17 yrs. later, I did not ask: ‘Why’. Yes, there were a few times on this journey that I began to do so, but I quickly reverted back to what I had learned previously…that God did not do this to me.
We live in a fallen world. We all have the gift of freewill and make numerous choices daily…..and some make some very bad choices. Also, because we live in such a fallen world in which the enemy is: “the prince of the power of the power of the air” (Eph. 2:1-3), sickness and destruction of all sorts exist. Remember: ‘ The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly..’ (J. 10:10). He also has the power of death: Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil; (Hebrews 2:14). God usually does not override one’s freewill because then we’d be as robots. Also: Roms. 11:29 ‘For the gifts and calling of God are without repentance.’ God does not take back the gift of freewill even when it is used unwisely or for evil.
Yes, in Christ that ‘power of death’ has been conquered: “O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?”( 1 Cor. 15:55 ) Death still exists in this fallen world, but its power does not for we now know, if we have made that choice by our freewill, where we will spend eternity…and that we owe to Jesus.
28 And when these things begin to come to pass, then look up, and lift up your heads; for your redemption draweth nigh.
(excerpt from ‘Gifts from the Ashes’)
(((HUGS))) Jude Gibbs, Author of ‘Gifts from the Ashes’ available at: Xulon Press, Amazon, Barnes & Noble and DeeperShopping. Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/2017/03/the-pain-of-holidays-after-the-loss-of-loved-ones/