“Sweat more in training to bleed less in battle”
I had not yet intended to write on this topic, and I Hope I’m not running ahead of the Lord on this. However, I just read a post by someone who grandly showed a comparison between 2 types of grievers: Identifying (empathizing) vs. comparing (competing).
I had posted a ‘rant’ last week (which I later deleted the same day after I took it to the Lord in prayer) on our ‘sister’ closed site after running into a mom who ‘pulled rank’ on me…at least that is how I perceived it, rightly or wrongly. (Well, actually, she outright stated she was pulling rank on me). I’ve known a number of bereaved parents who have been on this journey far longer than either of us and have only run into this type of thing once before. A few months back I had run into a similar ‘competitive spirit’ who presented herself as having a very happy ‘together’ life now that so much time has passed. That one troubled me, as well. Because of the way she presented it, I was concerned that younger grieving moms would begin to question themselves as to whether or not they were grieving, or simply having a pity-party, God knows we question ourselves enough with those tormenting ‘What If’s’ and ‘If Only’s’. We certainly don’t need someone to inject another false guilt into our already very weary heads and hearts.
I’m very glad this person made this post tonight, bringing this subject matter back to the forefront. I am of the belief that if only one person gets something out of what one of us shares, it is the Lord. After all, He is the Good Shepherd who would leave and go after one wandering sheep. Luke 15: 4 What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it? 5 And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing. 6 And when he cometh home, he calleth together his friends and neighbours, saying unto them, Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost.
Now what this person was sharing is a bit different because he was speaking about how some will empathize with other parents in their grief, while others compare their loss as to who lost more in their grief. I know, the very thought of this sounds absurd, at least it does to me. But I admit, I have seen this occur. Thankfully, not very often though.
What’s on my heart is this phenomenon that I have now seen occur twice in these past 6 mos. I termed these ‘rank pullers’: ‘Grief Generals’. For some peculiar reason, there are a few that feel they have ‘arrived’. Where, I do not know…and I’m not convinced they do either. The two, when pressed, did admit that they still have their ‘grief moments’. For whatever reason, they preferred to convince themselves that they have somehow conquered their grief. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s a path that comes full circle for some, and that once again they have entered a stage of Denial. Much different, of course, from the initial denial we experience at the onset, but denial nevertheless.
I’ve been on this journey 17+ yrs. Perhaps, I’m simply a very slow learner. A gal asked me today about my son. No one has done that for some time now and it hurt like hell, but that’s OK with me. One thing I have learned is to embrace those waves of pain and ride out the wave while turning to the Lord. I most definitely do not feel I have ‘arrived’ nor conquered this horrific beast called: Grief. I do know that Jesus has though, and when I hide myself in Him in prayer, worship, or simply laying down at the foot of the Cross, I get past it…’til the next wave hits and I have to do it all again.
I guess the ‘why’ in my sharing this is to pass on to others to not internalize something a ‘Grief General’ may share. It can cause you to question yourself, you’re ‘progress’ on this journey, etc. It’s simply not beneficial. Anyone who acts or sounds as if they now have it all together, briefly step back from and take a deep breath. 1 Cor. 10:12 ‘ Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.’ I know some are very ‘encouraged’ by these folks because it gives them a type of ‘hope’ that one day they, too, will be all put back together again. Which reminds me of the nursery rhyme: Humpty Dumpty. I certainly do not desire to take away one’s ‘hope’ either, or come across in such a way that discourages another and causes despair.
I can only share what I have come to know: The waves of the excruciating pain do come farther and farther apart with time; the duration of those waves when they hit lessens dramatically; however, the intensity when they do hit remains constant.
So, yes, it does get much much better/easier. The more we draw closer to our Lord and seek His Wisdom and promises in His Word, the stronger we become because we incorporate into ourselves His strength. At the same time, we will miss our babies as long as we exist in this world. Thankfully…and I cannot emphasize gratitude enough…this life and time of separation is very temporary in light of eternity. We make the most of what short time we have here, then Praise God, we will also cross over and forever be in the presence of our Lord and reunited with our children where all pain and sorrow simply does not exist. That is our Blessed Hope in Jesus. He bought that ticket for us with His blood and great sacrifice. He, alone, is worthy of our Praise. To God be ALL the Glory for ever and ever. AMEN!
(excerpt from ‘Gifts from the Ashes’)
(((HUGS))) Jude Gibbs, Author of ‘Gifts from the Ashes’ available at:
Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/2017/03/the-pain-of-holidays-after-the-loss-of-loved-ones/
Please help spread the word…TY!!! (((HUGS)))