I have often drawn the analogy between physical labor pain and ‘soul labor’. I don’t find it to be coincidental that a grieving Momma is often reminded to: BREATHE! I went through the Lamaze classes in preparation for your birth. Breathing techniques were a valuable distraction from the pain. They didn’t lessen it, but they helped me in pushing through it.
Now, I am having to be reminded to breathe again. Only now, it’s not physical labor…it’s my soul that labors while I sit in the ‘waiting room’, waiting to be reunited with you once again. I’ve been waiting eighteen years…always waiting.
That feeling of ‘waiting’ has never gone away. Shortly after you left, I became aware of it but did not understand it. Now I do. From the moment you left I have been waiting to see you again. At 1st, I waited to see if I would wake up from this nightmare; I waited for you to walk back through the doorway of our house; I waited with expectation to see you drive up to the house; I waited for a phone call from you. I waited and waited and waited. But, you never called; you never walked though the front doorway; you never drove into the driveway.
…And I never woke up from this nightmare.
The soul labor seems to be increasing. The closer I become to seeing you again, the stronger the pain of waiting haunts me. It was suppose to get easier with time. Isn’t that what everyone expects? In some ways it has. I have learned to be more patient; I’m less anxious; I’m less fearful.
…But the intensity of the contractions is suddenly increasing.
I’m perplexed by it all.
In other ways, it is the reversal of physical labor. Rather than the contractions getting closer in proximity, they are farther apart; the duration has shortened and is no longer constant. For many years, the intensity remained constant. But today, these past few weeks, I have discovered an increase in ferocity. An ardent impetuosity has emerged. I fear it shall consume me. Just as a man’s thirst in a desert increases the longer he remains, so does my yearning to be reunited with you. Just as my desire to go deeper with God intensifies as I study more of His Word, my desire to see you again increases.
Thirsting for God in trouble and exile.
1 As the hart panteth after the water brooks,
So panteth my soul after thee, O God.
2 My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God:
When shall I come and appear before God?
3 My tears have been my food day and night,
I long to be released.
Isaiah 26:9a ‘At night my soul longs for You, Indeed, my spirit within me seeks You diligently;’
The more I hunger for God, the more I hunger for us to be reunited in His Presence. As a woman who is famished and desperately craves her dinner while pregnant, my avidity accelerates. I am impelled; labor is induced.
9 And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These are the true words of God.”
Upon this anniversary of your demise, I am heavily laden.
As a woman in travail, I want it to end.
I want to hold you in my arms once again.
For you, my Beloved son. 12/10/78-3/17/99
(((HUGS))) Jude Gibbs, Author of ‘Gifts from the Ashes’ available at:
Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/2017/03/the-pain-of-holidays-after-the-loss-of-loved-ones/
Please help spread the word…TY!!! (((HUGS)))