I imagine that it is my German heritage that is drawing me to these German words in my old age. Things are coming ‘full circle’ as I draw closer to the completion of my journey.
/ˈzānˌzo͝oKHt/ is defined as: A high degree of intense (recurring), and often painful desire for something, particularly if there is no hope to attain the desired, or when its attainment is uncertain, still far away.
This yearning is exasperated and intensified in our Grief. In three days, it will be eighteen years since that horrific night when my son was killed. It’s been a very l-o-n-g journey. Immediately after his demise, the intensity to be with my son was nearly irrepressible. My entire being ached; the longing was profoundly visceral. It has ebbed and flowed over the years, however, as I draw nearer to my own demise the depth of the anguish is revisiting my soul. With age, my resistance has weakened. I no longer know if I have the necessary resiliency to sustain it. The energy it demands is exasperating. I have come ‘full circle’ in more ways than one.
Perhaps that is God’s design. I’ve heard it said that the ‘wheel’ was one of man’s 1st greatest inventions; it dates back to 3500 B.C..
‘ashes to ashes, dust to dust’
It causes me to wonder if there is a similar cycle to Grief. It certainly seems to be what I am experiencing. I do not speak of this as such to besmirch to any degree the healing and Redemptive power of God in this journey. Truly, we learn so very much of which none goes to waste.
Two nights before my son’s demise, after we had conversed for about an hour and he stood up to leave and meet up with his friends, he stated with much remorse: “I feel as if I’ve wasted the past two years of my life”. His head hung so low making it obvious to me that he was carrying an encumbering amount of shame. I responded with: “Honey, have you learned anything?” As his head hung even lower with his chin nearly touching his chest, he replied in that husky penetrating voice of his: “Ohhh yeahhh”. To which I stated: “Then Honey, you haven’t wasted a thing”. At which point, he raised his beautiful blue eyes as he peered into mine and I knew he had been set free from whatever load he had been carrying.
OH, how I thank God for that moment forever frozen in time and embedded in my heart.
I don’t want him back…not here. I do yearn to go be with him. The pining is the pain. I will be healed when we are reunited in the Glorious Presence of our Lord…and not before. In the interim, I have trusted God and His Words:
2 It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart.
3 Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.
4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.
I pray I may lay hold of such Wisdom so that I, too, have not wasted a thing.
(((HUGS))) Jude Gibbs, Author of ‘Gifts from the Ashes’ available at:
Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/2017/03/the-pain-of-holidays-after-the-loss-of-loved-ones/
Please help spread the word…TY!!! (((HUGS)))