‘Sehnsucht’

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I imagine that it is my German heritage that is drawing me to these German words in my old age. Things are coming ‘full circle’ as I draw closer to the completion of my journey.

/ˈzānˌzo͝oKHt/ is defined as: A high degree of intense (recurring), and often painful desire for something, particularly if there is no hope to attain the desired, or when its attainment is uncertain, still far away.

This yearning is exasperated and intensified in our Grief. In three days, it will be eighteen years since that horrific night when my son was killed. It’s been a very l-o-n-g journey. Immediately after his demise, the intensity to be with my son was nearly irrepressible. My entire being ached; the longing was profoundly visceral. It has ebbed and flowed over the years, however, as I draw nearer to my own demise the depth of the anguish is revisiting my soul. With age, my resistance has weakened. I no longer know if I have the necessary resiliency to sustain it. The energy it demands is exasperating. I have come ‘full circle’ in more ways than one.

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Perhaps that is God’s design. I’ve heard it said that the ‘wheel’ was one of man’s 1st greatest inventions; it dates back to 3500 B.C..

‘ashes to ashes, dust to dust’

It causes me to wonder if there is a similar cycle to Grief. It certainly seems to be what I am experiencing. I do not speak of this as such to besmirch to any degree the healing and Redemptive power of God in this journey. Truly, we learn so very much of which none goes to waste.

Two nights before my son’s demise, after we had conversed for about an hour and he stood up to leave and meet up with his friends, he stated with much remorse: “I feel as if I’ve wasted the past two years of my life”. His head hung so low making it obvious to me that he was carrying an encumbering amount of shame. I responded with: “Honey, have you learned anything?” As his head hung even lower with his chin nearly touching his chest, he replied in that husky penetrating voice of his: “Ohhh yeahhh”. To which I stated: “Then Honey, you haven’t wasted a thing”. At which point, he raised his beautiful blue eyes as he peered into mine and I knew he had been set free from whatever load he had been carrying.

OH, how I thank God for that moment forever frozen in time and embedded in my heart.

I don’t want him back…not here. I do yearn to go be with him. The pining is the pain. I will be healed when we are reunited in the Glorious Presence of our Lord…and not before. In the interim, I have trusted God and His Words:

Ecclesiastes 7:

It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart.

Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.

The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.

I pray I may lay hold of such Wisdom so that I, too, have not wasted a thing.

(((HUGS)))  Jude Gibbs, Author of ‘Gifts from the Ashes’ available at:

http://www.xulonpress.com/bookstore/bookdetail.php?PB_ISBN=9781498496728

https://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Ashes-Jude-Gibbs/dp/1498496725/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1487342742&sr=8-1

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/gifts-from-the-ashes-jude-gibbs/1125792801?ean=9781498496728

http://www.deepershopping.com/item/jude-gibbs/gifts-from-the-ashes/7049689.html?utm_source=GoogleShopping&utm_medium=datafeed&utm_campaign=GoogleShopping&gclid=CJeoufav5dICFUokhgodV88NKA

Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/2017/03/the-pain-of-holidays-after-the-loss-of-loved-ones/

Please help spread the word…TY!!!  (((HUGS)))

Released 2/15/17

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4 thoughts on “‘Sehnsucht’

  1. Profound insight. You were truly blessed for your last conversation with your son and the reassurance you have that you uplifted him in his time of need…. I was not so blessed, by admission of my own. My mom had lived with me and my family for several years prior to her passing. It became a strained relationship in her last year…before we knew of her illness.. I had struggled balancing my husband and mother…trying desperately to honor each, while caring for her aged step father. She struggled with depression, which i tried, unsuccessfully to shield my son from. That last year was filled with trials. My son had nervous breakdown in college, mom fell which led to medical issues, my brother in law died leaving my sister with a 2 year old. I sought counseling as I was struggling with anger for all that was always put on my lap and nothing was expected from my sister’s, nor ever given from them. I could not understand how God would continue to allow these struggles when all i was trying to do was what He called of me. And now i am left with so much regret.. I regret not getting counseling sooner…mom was diagnosed and died in 6 months…..I rallied, as I always had for all the family members I cared for, but I did not believe this was it. It was..I was devastated at losing her, but mostly for unresolved feelings. I yearn for and will ALWAYS yearn my mom..and all the times we didn’t have, the way life should have been. I just don’t understand how it came to this. I cannot imagine NOT feeling the pain, yet it is so difficult carrying the pain.

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    1. I’m so very sorry, Kimberly, for all of your pain. I, too, could have done better. I’ve always believed that we do our best with what we know at the time. Hindsight can be a blessing or a curse. I pray that you will find the peace you are seeking. (((HUGS)))

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  2. I Am Going To have to come back again whenveer my course load lets up – however I am getting your Rss feed so i could go through your blog offline. Cheers.

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