My head hurts.
Two days of crying, two days of groaning…18 days and it will be 18 years. OH GOD!
All the dead are floating around my mind. In 25 days it will be two years since I watched my sister die. She was #12 of those who all left this world over a 3-4 year period. My head is dizzy from all of their faces spinning like a top on the screens of my mind. In the center of them all is my son…my beautiful, beautiful boy.
I DO NOT want to do one more birthday, one more anniversary, one more Holiday!
I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANY MORE!
I always heard that time sped up with age. As a child, a day is an eternity. Every moment is a lifetime. Now, the years truly do go so fast. There’s no longer months between Holidays. Now they come crashing in on top of one another as in an angry storm. There’s no time to come up for air. Each season passes in the blink of an eye. Summer begins…and then it’s over…and you’re left wandering: where did the summer go?
The tide never recedes…it just keeps on rising.
It keeps rising against the shore…beating against the rocks. Nothing stands in its way. NOTHING!
I flashback to a time when I was drowning. We were all at a park for a wedding. We were young; we were free; we were rejoicing in life itself. It had rained the day before. No one noticed that the River had been slowly, gradually, rising throughout the day. After the ceremony, many decided to jump in for a swim. My friend, Debbie, was one of them. I looked out and she was fine as she swam on the one side of the old stone breaker wall. Moments later, she was yelling…her hubby had been swept over and she was barely hanging on. I jumped in…grabbed hold of her arm…and she was able to brace herself against the rocks. However, in the process, I got washed over. She tried to hang onto my arm, but it was fruitless. The waters were rising with a fury.
On the other side, I was flushed under the waterfall. I was doing somersaults beneath the force of the water beating against me. I struggled fiercely to rise to the surface, but to no avail. Around and around and around I went, as if locked inside a dryer.
I could not come up for air.
Suddenly, beneath the crushing force of the waters, I heard a voice in my head. One word: REST!
So I did. I ceased from my struggle and went completely limp. I gave up all my resistance; I stopped fighting the waterfall. Just as I did, I popped up to the surface. I could breathe again. I let go and I lived.
6 And I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest;
(((HUGS))) Jude Gibbs, Author of Gifts from the Ashes available at:
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