Back in July, I posted the ‘Grief Bullies…Topic’ written by RaeAnne. She was angry, and justifiably so, because of the many people she had encountered, well-meaning or not, who attempted to tell her how she should and should not be grieving. These were folks who had not lost a child and were clueless as to how traumatic and excruciatingly painful this grief is.
Losing a child is NOT like burying a dog, no matter how beloved the animal had been.
I have run into a somewhat different ‘variety’ of the ‘Grief Bully’. This variety has actually experienced the loss of a child.
Surprising? I think so.
If anyone should empathize with our pain, you would think it would be another grieving mom. To make matters even worse, I have not only run into this from secular site bereaved moms, but from those that profess a Christian Faith. This seems to only compound and deepen the injury. It adds an element of betrayal to the bullying.
I’m angered by it, but more so, it hurts…deeply.
These ‘Christian Bullies’ profess that because of their great Faith and/or ‘spiritual growth’, they are doing much better handling their loss than others. This implies that those still grieving after a number of years have ‘something wrong’ with them…that they must be of ‘weaker faith’. They say they are surprised that some after 7-8 yrs. or longer are still in so much pain. They say that they love their child just as much, perhaps more, yet because of where they are at in their ‘spiritual walk’ they are more ‘victorious’ in their grief.
2 Cor. 10:12 For we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.
1 Cor. 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
I don’t know why some grieve differently than others. I don’t know why some after a couple of years seem to be doing ‘great’, while some after 20 yrs. still hurt like hell. But what I do know is that those that profess such ‘spiritual victories’ in their grief and in doing so in such a way are, per God’s Word, both unwise and unloving.
Are they on anti-depressants…some sort of ‘happy pill’? Do they simply have a very high pain tolerance? Are they ‘differently equipped’ in some unknown way?
IDK the answers to those questions. But I do know their comments are not according to God’s Word nor a sign of spiritual maturity. They are not ‘life-giving’. They make the griever on the other end of their comments feel like something must be wrong with them for not ‘doing better’. They are self-absorbed comments that say: ‘Look at me and how great I am’. They are ‘person’ centered’, not God-centered.
Philippians 2:3 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.
The ‘betrayal’ is addressed well by King David in Ps. 55. As he cried out to our Lord, he describes his pain as such:
My heart is severely pained within me,
And the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
Fearfulness and trembling have come upon me,
And horror has overwhelmed me.
So I said, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest.
Indeed, I would wander far off,
And remain in the wilderness. Selah
I would hasten my escape
From the windy storm and tempest.”
Ever feel this way? I’ve been there more times than I can count.
Here he describes the betrayal:
For it is not an enemy who reproaches me;
Then I could bear it.
Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me;
Then I could hide from him.
But it was you, a man my equal,
My companion and my acquaintance.
We took sweet counsel together,
And walked to the house of God in the throng.
How much more the sting of this variety of grief bullies.
King David goes on and is brutally honest with God about what he hopes their end will be. (See Ps. 55 in its entirety)
Now I will be brutally honest with this garden variety.
If you are doing very well along your grief journey, I am happy for you, truly. However, when in the midst of others who are struggling and in excruciating pain whether it be one day or 50 yrs…..
Leave your bragging and ‘spiritual prominence’ outside.
(((HUGS))) Jude Gibbs
Excerpt from: Gifts from the Ashes…
Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/2017/03/the-pain-of-holidays-after-the-loss-of-loved-ones/
Please spread the word…TY!!! (((HUGS)))