We all have ‘triggers’ who have walked this very traumatizing road of grief. Holidays, birthdays. anniversaries, a song, a car, a toy, etc., etc. They often take us by surprise. We never know when a trigger will present itself. What we do know is that we are never quite prepared for any of them.
I have not been able to write much of late because of these ‘triggers’ that seem to just keep on coming. One month and 3 days from now will be the nineteenth anniversary of that day on which my son was killed. That weight alone is enough. Yet, there have been those who have come forward to break their silence of sexual abuse. Yet, there has been an awareness raised on domestic violence. Now, today, there is the utterly senseless killings of numerous young people at a school in Florida.
I am simply overwhelmed.
I somehow knew that something bad was going to happen today. I awoke at approximately 4:00 AM to the sound of a loud bang. I took a brief survey of things in my home while knowing that this ‘bang’ was not the result of anything that occurred in my home. Even my cats were acting strangely. They had gathered themselves around me when I returned to bed and were motionless. All I could do is pray. My thoughts bounced around with loved ones coming to mind. I prayed for God’s protection for my surviving children.
This afternoon I turned on my computer and was getting ready to post things on line when I turned on the news to catch up on what was occurring. I was quickly overwhelmed with the news of the tragic slaughter at the school in Florida. I froze.
One month after my son was killed, the Columbine shooting took place on April 20, 1999. My son was killed on March 17, 1999. This killing today is tragic enough in itself. For me, it is also a ‘trigger’. My heart breaks for all affected by these utterly senseless murders. Their journey has just begun. I simply could not post today. Not only am I attempting to deal with today’s tragedy, but because of how this ‘triggers’ what occurred in 1999, I am overwhelmed with heartache and tears. All of these lives suddenly and brutally ended in a moment forever frozen in time.
Today’s massacre is occurring one month and three days before my son’s anniversary, whereas, Columbine occurred one month and three days after my son’s killing. Seriously, what are the odds? The pain I am feeling is indescribable. The groaning of grief undeniable. PTSD? Perhaps. But placing a label on it in no way alleviates any of it. Thirteen were killed at Columbine; the count thus far today in Florida is currently at seventeen. Those affected and traumatized beyond measure.
All of the analyzing will now begin. The ‘talking heads’ will freely give their opinions. The professionals will make their attempts to diagnose and explain ‘why?’. Many will try and make sense of something that makes no sense. Explanations and rationalizations will be sought. Folks will spin their wheels attempting to find solutions and prevent further such tragedies. The politicians will begin their spiel. Try as they may, insanity can never be made sane.
The bottom line, innocent people are dead. Their loved ones left behind have now unwillingly and unexpectedly become members of the grief community known as ‘The Rememberers’. We who have been walking this journey will pray, extend our support, offer what comfort we can, and simply say: “Me, too”.
(((HUGS))) Jude Gibbs, Author of ‘Gifts from the Ashes’ available at:
Articles on WordPress.com: https://wordpress.com/posts/bereavedparentsblog.wordpress.com.
Also, a Contributor on ‘The Mighty’: https://themighty.com/author/jude-gibbs/
Please help spread the Word. TY! (((HUGS)))
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